Relay of a Relations ?





When we drive on roads, we are extremely careful, until and unless we are intoxicated or just a rash driver. We drive in a way not to create accidents or run over something, when we are so careful with driving, I recollect the words of person who always told me whenever I was driving him, “Rabbit! (As he called me fondly back then), always drive on the road as though everyone is crazy, then you, will drive with utmost awareness”, what he mentioned then never left my memory. Because when I am in a vehicle, I am not just responsible about myself, I am accountable for the other beings in the vehicle “.


The action of activity described here is a physical activity involving tangible oriented relationship with others. How is it that we never have the same sense of driving ourselves with others in a subtle of way of relationships? Meaning, that which involves, emotions and things that are intangible, the vehicle here involves gears and brakes of mentality and psychology. Not to mention I am a harsh driver in some scenarios too, yet we never seem to acknowledge that?


How is it, that we as a species can drive each other mad, not all of us, yet most of the times, hurt each other, bring down each other through ways that are unbelievably stupid at some scenarios, if, we do the same on a road with our vehicles, we would be fined, vehicle seized, let alone our licences would be revoked, or something even worse. Then how is that on the subtle sense of being we drive each other to emotional torments and much worse for some leading them from an empathetic being to an apathy mindset, with total disregard to human qualities.


The sense of wonder hits a new level of weirdness when such reactions stems from those who have read, written and speak of the Neo - liberal fundamentals, referring to few i have met in my educational circles ( this in a subtle way is a reaction to the acts of certain acquaintances of such minds, here I am negating my own words, yet moving on ) though I speak here only with a sense of astonishment and wonder, initially this was anger and rage. And this intern was driven to someone else, accidents happen right? Certain paradoxes that we built in the relationships seem to have traces of the unnatural wildness left in its reaction.


Sometimes in the level of relationships, purely in the aspects of opinion, intimacy has been reduced to carnal pleasures, that of the physical, - getting drunk, partying hard mindlessly, having random sexual interactions, as much as I subscribe to this and fantasise, my opinion is, this is kind of gross isn’t it? not to mention having even participated in such actions too.

These days to my experience of how certain acquaintances enact this word, seems to be on that level. To me intimacy is also sitting with someone and listening to their story, intimacy is also to me, watching stars with someone you love or even just by yourself, feeding an animal of stray, helping someone when they are ill, laughing with someone you like. Intimacy is also far more felt, when certain activities of such are done by your being ( opinion) , We are the most intimate with our loved ones or with ourselves, we tell ourselves things we wouldn’t tell our friends or family or partners.

As much as I seem to understand this, here is why I am confused, intimacy is on the level of gross physicality, that is amazing no doubt, hands down!


I have seen people in my life feel extremely passionate for their phones or some other thing, than the person sitting next to them, Einstein may have been right, if in any sense of the word, he feared the day when products and technology become more important than people, and I suppose we are approaching that already, I would be speaking to a friend and they would be engrossed in their phones, I would just call someone to ask a cooking recipe and some would say "see google". In my head, I would be saying, “its not like I cannot ask Google or YouTube, I just feel like spending time with you, hence I ask”, so for me I feel if everything can be digitally secured, why do I need a person in my life? May be black mirror was not far away from exploring this very idea and illustrating a dystopian field of future.


To justify my existence or boredom when I cannot use a phone, or to speak the daily events because I dunno how to say that to myself, or may be because we don’t know how to live alone? Well I wouldn’t know in all preciseness of experience, I am not sure. Hence this a blog of expressing an opinion.


We would do anything to not feel lonely, the very idea of spending time with yourself for few days is unthinkable to some that i have come across, I can say this, since I have done that. Being on your own involves facing things about yourself, that you may or may not be pleasant with, and half the people I know, cannot. The very idea of being alone for sometime is repulsive to some. Do we hate ourselves so much that we seek constant engagement with something, I include myself in this, as i am engaging in best to express this over here, instead of taking a mid night stroll.


Sometimes with the mental health that I carry, echoes for me to be anti-social, and anti-social doesn’t mean anti national or anti-this or anti-that or negative ( since such traits are seen in a negative connotation ). As as i see, a woman who is providing content on how to grow a skill has few hundred likes on social media another woman displaying her voluptuous body in a seductively kinky way has likes of more than few lakhs. Indeed this is so ironic, neither am in any sense against the former or the latter, i consume both the types of content, just the sheer quantitative data on a superficial level is quite interesting.


The gross and the subtle - I might find a luxury car or bike really beautiful, aesthetically rocking, something that I want to drive, or imagine driving or purchase. Yet I might prefer walking or cycling or something else. I might like to see the Five star hotel, yet I might prefer having chai and cigarette in the corner store. I am neither negating or accepting anything, just specifying my experience. I just find myself perplexed at certain relationships i have even with my self, often having me lost in thoughts.


In school, we spoke the big words of macro systems and lifestyles, unimaginable by my standards, I ask myself, as a long acquaintance, who once made me aware of this. When we treat each other with such mentalities, where are are we even approaching something that is far from the reaches our opinions, the few people in my class couldn’t show what they complained about, at least not anywhere near me, so I wouldn’t know.


We used to sit and rant, complain about so many things, from the smallest to the biggest, and in no sense do I disagree to what we discussed, yet, my question to my classmates was, why can’t the few of us be that way? Not to mention, when i said this, I was laughed at, and was given some kind of silent treatment or whatever, anyway, We have reservations, and lets be honest, we do and we must also ( healthy boundaries ), we accept some, reject others, etc etc. Why speak inclusive though, when we cannot live inclusive with each other, when we are reserved in our heads, to speak of equality is as corrupt, and I am corrupted as well, and I can accept that.


The issue here if I understand, is not subtle or gross, may be it is measurability, I go through a lot of mental issues, yet the attention received to a person who is physically hurt is far more relatable may be than someone who is mentally raped or even dead. I remember seeing a person having 4-5 people help them, because they were hurt in the leg, matter of laughter for me is, I would be bleeding inside, limping in a leg, with a dead tooth and pain in the neck, called few to help and not one person even said, how are you? though some kind of grace did pull me through, yet in the same time psychologically, i would be receiving more anxieties with a side of sarcasm.


The subtle inter-connectedness of being here is not about physical or mental, since both rely on each other, the brain, mind and body are not different, when we get drunk, our mental cognitions takes a load that effects our physical mechanism, so there seems to be a connection. Ergo, we are creating this ourselves, collectively, we mentally hurt each other, that causes physical disorientation there by leading to something else. Long back, I physically abused a girl, a lover, I went from hitting on her to hitting her. Though, this act in and off itself is outrageous, to me also, I feel the physical and mental pain that I generated, is far more life altering. Physical pain is curable, with the right set of doctors and knowledge, physical issues can be addressed.


The utter dis-regard to the subtleties of life is far more degenerative, as we move forward into the advanced 22nd century world. At this time and age, when we are also highly evolved, we are collectively living a hypocrisy. I include myself in such, for unconsciously I have been part of this, in scenarios.


Through the drift of George Carlin, “We don’t know how to treat each other, and we want to change the world?”, something that design inculcates in its students, a false sense of messiah complex into their psyche to elevate design as a tool for world change, which is pretty sick.

I suppose these will remain frozen as words on paper or screen, because to understand is one level of maturity and to apply this is a fools paradise.

All these years I was silent, never voiced anything in regards to understanding, the reason for the subtle and gross, is because I have been easy in understanding someone of closeness, some have dis-valued that, creating a frosting to the already underlined mental issues I deal with today.


I prefer myself over anybody anyway, now, if I ever have a true friend I will know and see, for they will be near me when I need them.


Life is beautiful and none the less, grateful for something higher than myself.

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